little love rituals

2011-12-26T21:19:00.002-08:00

well its been awhile.. and i don't really have much to say right now.. i moved back east.. and i'm spending most of my time adjusting and trying to get myself situated..

with that said.. i stumbled upon some things i wrote in the past and i figured why not share them here...

this was written in march of 2009 .. its about the passing of my dear friend matthew..

Dear Matthew,

Current mood:numb

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with sadness.. In a way I just couldn't shake.. I drove around for hours.. up dand down the beach.. until i stopped the car, got out and faced the ocean.. i sat there for hours trying to understand where my life was going, the people in it, and where i had previously come from..

it always happens when i lose someone i love. somehow i know, before anyone has even told me.. it happened with jimmy.. it happened with you.. you both told me i was an angel to you.. and it looks like i failed both times..

i know i won't ever forget any of the times we spent together.. new years eve at slims.. you trying to make the bartended jealous.. sitting in your dark bedroom listening to the cure while staring at the ceiling.. the alarm clock i bought you with all of natures sounds so you could attempt to get some sort of sleep.. when you got that scooter i was convinced you were going to hurt yourself on.. all of our dance filled nights at gino russo's and everyone always telling you what a pretty girlfriend you had.. even though i wasn't your girlfriend and you wanted nothing to do with me in that way haha.. all of the nights at legends.. even the night that i yelled at you for drinking and smoking and doing all of the other things your heart wasn't strong enough to take.. i'm not sorry i yelled at you, you know i did it because i love and care about you.. the day you called me at work to tell me you were dying and you needed me to come over right away.. i never dropped anything in my life so quickly as to get there.. you were stubborn and didn't want to go to the hopital.. i made you and then spent the next month or so visiting you daily at that place.. sitting by your bedside with your parents.. seeing you in a condition my heart wasn't strong enough to take.. but i stuck it out.. the steak dinner you made for me when you got better.. the eiffel tower you made for me that you still have somewhere in NC.. all of the times you begged me to come home so that you could take care of me and my heart.. when really i should have been there helping you take care of yours..

i woke up to an email this morning telling me that you were gone.. it was so much like the day i woke up to hear that jimmy had left.. but an entirely different kind of sadness washed over me.. i know that essentially, this is whats best for you.. you won't have to have anymore surgeries, no more upgrades for new pacemakers, no more pneumonia..

i am so sorry that you've left us so early.. i know that you were always worried about getting close to anyone because you knew you'd leave the ones who loved you sooner than later.. i am happy to say that through so much work i was able to break that down and get close to you.. and i am eternally happy to have gotten that piece of you.. you meant more to me than i could have ever explained, and i can only hope that in the days that we had together i was able to show you a glimpse of that..

you will always have a piece of my heart..

always.
j

52 weeks?

2011-03-08T00:31:00.003-08:00

i never update this anymore.. and i think its because i am very rarely at my computer.. i do so much of my internet stuff via my phone.. that i barely pick up this old laptop anymore.. poor thing is so old.. all its memory is filled up and i can pretty much only run one or two applications at a time.. one day i'll be doing well enough to purchase a new macbook and all will be right in the world again..

i was lurking around blogspot and stumbled upon the Dainty Squid blog.. adorable girl with such a rad idea.. i hope she doesn't mind if i borrow it for myself.. here's hoping i can at least commit to posting here once a week for the rest of the year.. shame i didn't start this at the first of the year. but better late than never i suppose..

from the dainty squid :

A 52 week photo project is just what it sounds like, one picture a week for the whole year. It would be perfect if you're not ready to commit to taking a photo everyday.

Some fun 52 week project ideas:

• weekly self portraits.

• a weekly photo of your pet.

• a weekly photo of your kid(s).

• a weekly instax or polaroid photo.

• a weekly peek into your craft space.

• a weekly peek into your hometown.

• a picture a week of what you're wearing.

• a weekly photo that sums up your last seven days.

• a weekly photo update of something growing (a plant, your hair, etc)

with that said.. i'm going to decide what to take a weekly photo of and by monday i should have something new up here for you guys..

any suggestions?

i've got some news for you...

2010-09-11T00:13:00.003-07:00

SO! i got a phone call this week that left me so speechless that it took me at least an hour or so to fully realize what had been said to me and what i would be actually doing just a few days after..

I'M GOING TO THE VMAs!

when i first heard the words come out of my boss' mouth, all i could think was, "dang, i'm driving to san francisco that night.." and then as it started to sink in that i was being offered an opportunity of a LIFETIME, i realized I'M GOING TO THE F'N MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS!!! sorry SF, i gotta push my trip to back just a bit!

myself, along with some other very talented MAC artists will be doing makeup for the VMAs this sunday! it is going to be one hell of a long day and absolutely incredible.. i cannot wait to see who is there, and more importantly who i will be doing makeup for! it could be anyone!!!

i am terribly excited and feel so blessed that i was chosen alongside two of my very talented coworkers to represent MAC PRO South Coast in and event of this magnitude!

wish me luck!!

ever since i put your picture in a frame..

2010-08-19T23:01:00.005-07:00

i love you baby and i always will.. ever since i put your picture in a frame..

late night tom waits party.. lazy lounging with the record player on.. attempting to start blogging again? but about what, who knows.. certainly not i..

we will see how long i can keep this up..

i am a perpetual starter, unfortunately i also have project ADD.. i am currently reading god knows how many books on just as many different subjects.. i cannot keep focused.. help?

is anyone even reading this?

...

2010-03-02T10:47:00.001-08:00

There was a time when I thought you were a friend to me. I think those times I was probably just drunk. And if they offered a test about being a good friend. I'd put money down that you'd surely flunk.

GOOD BYE South Florida.. its been real.

2009-11-21T20:20:00.002-08:00

In two weeks I will be heading off to the next chapter in my life.. I am leaving South Florida.. Its been four years.. Some of which were possibly the worst years of my life.. I learned a lot though.. I'll be moving on to a fresh new start, and new people to grow with..

In two weeks I will be leaving my job at the MAC store in Boca Raton.. I've worked with that crew for four straight years and it will be really hard to not be with them every day.. They have become more like family and friends to me than coworkers.. I will miss them dearly every single day.. It will be a challenge starting at my new location because I know no one will ever be able to replace them.. They already made me cry once when they told me they wished they didn't even have to post my position because no one will be able to take my place in that store.. Its good to feel loved.. They are some of the most creative and talented people I know.. I wish I could take some of them with me :(

I am moving to Long Beach, CA. It is a far different city than any I've ever lived in.. I am truly very excited to start a new life with new friends and a new job.. I will be working part time for a MAC PRO location.. Its going to be a lot to learn and a lot to get accustomed to.. But I've got faith in myself.. I am moving to a quiet little apartment in LB with my amazing boyfriend who has taught me so much and shown me that I deserve so much more from life..

I have already established friendships there so I know I won't be terribly lonely there while my boyfriend is away.. I am of course going to miss the few good friends I have down here.. But, this is just an excuse for them to come visit me in California.. and often! Who doesn't want to come to California?! Especially Long Beach.. its so beautiful!!

So the next few weeks I will be one very busy girl.. My boyfriend gets here on Tuesday and then we start the rest of our packing and getting ready for a super rad road trip across the great United States to my new home in LONG BEACH!!! I cannot wait!

PS. I cannot begin to explain how much i miss raleigh and my friends there.. i promise to visit as soon as i can.. <3

hmm.. interesting.

2009-08-31T23:06:00.002-07:00

what is more odd? the fact that someone in virginia lurks me hard.. or the fact that someone in jacksonville, florida is doing a google search for me. "baby j florida" to be exact.. it lead them straight to this page..

if there's something you wanna know, just ask. i've got nothing to hide.

growing up..

2009-06-28T20:26:00.003-07:00

Halfway through 29 I've started feeling a need to settle down. Maybe its my biological clock telling me I'm running out of time.. Maybe its a need to stop moving every few years and find a place I can call home, settle down and raise a family.. Whatever it is, here's to growing up!

I had an amazing phone call this evening with my friend T. Listening to him talk about all the things he wants and has gotten himself in life made me look at my life. Made me see what a rut I've been stuck in; how I've just been taking what has been coming along instead of what I know I deserve. He pointed out to me some things about me and my life that contribute to people not taking me seriously. Things I need to work on and change. I needed an honest perspective from an outsider. Thats exactly what I got. It was a nice phone call. Its been a long time since any boy seemed to give a fuck about my goals or what I wanted out of life. And its been a long time since I felt comfortable enough to HONESTLY tell someone what I REALLY wanted to do with my life..

I've distanced myself a lot lately. From people, from places. I've been working nonstop and trying to figure out where to go from here. I've got three days off at the end of July and I would love to take those days and run off to a place I've never been. I need to clear my mind and get myself ready for what is coming..

I'm almost 30. That doesn't mean I don't want to still be silly and have fun. But it does mean that I am ready to cut out a whole mess of bullshit from my life.. Drama, fighting, insecurity (mine and others), caring what the wrong people think about me, fake friends, sketchy dudes and people who go out of their way to keep others from being happy.. How can I have the life I want if I am still letting all of these things into it?

I'm ready to be taken seriously. I am ready to find someone that I can take care of and be there for everyday. I am ready to have all of the things I've been dreaming of for years. I am ready to make a life for myself that I will be in love with.

slow down. calm down. don't worry. don't hurry.

2009-06-08T20:07:00.004-07:00

life has been crazy the past few weeks.. i've done so much and experienced so much.. it feels like i did 6 months worth of things in a few short weeks... warning.. lots of photos to follow!

i went home to ohio to visit my family and to watch my little brother graduate.. it was amazing and so awesome to surprise him.. i got to see my aunt barb as well as some of my other family i haven't seen in almost 10 years.. maybe longer.. shani and andy came to see me which was super fucking awesome.. so stoked on those two.. LOVE. ohio was a nice break from florida.. got to spend time with my mom looking at the apartments she and her boyfriend rent out.. as well as having mom treat me to a delicious vegan lunch.. also on the list of places i enjoyed while in ohio: diamonds (for strippers) UDF (for ice cream of course) skyline (for a black bean burrito deluxe) melt (for a fabulous vegan lunch with andy and shani) beelistic (to see my beloved lil kevin jump).. flight home was scary due to weather but i made it back to florida safely.. (its been raining in florida for 3 weeks.. we are sinking)

photos from my trip to ohio

THEN! once i was back in florida.. my friend brien and his friend javi came down to play at an electronic music festival down in miami.. i ventured out in the horrendous south florida rain.. insane downpours.. flooding.. a 45 minute drive took me 2 hours.. haha.. but it was so so so worth it.. spent the day with the two of them just pushing around the city.. snapped a pic of javi's mom's new kitty, bandito hunter..

returned to work, which has been pretty steady.. not too terrible.. customers have been decent.. had a photoshoot with miss sam guss.. chachi joined in the fun.. got a few pics back so far.. loving the look of these.. i cannot wait to do more shoots with sam.. i hope i can get some in before she runs off to san francisco and leaves me far behind..

today was a relaxing day off.. ventured out to t-mobile to get a new phone.. dinner at olive garden with thrilled alex.. talked to matty all day <3..>

sleepy baby j..

goodnight xo

let the stars play - dan andriano

2009-05-13T21:34:00.001-07:00

Leave the stars out
I miss them tonight
Not as bright as when you're right here, I can feel you outside
So leave the stars out
I miss them tonight
If I could be anywhere
I would lay by your side
If I could be anywhere
I would lay by your side under a night
That is now over
The moonlight is already gone
Let the moon shine like a bottle in its light
I'll be staring to the dawn
Promise I won't be late
So let the moon shine like a bottle in its light
I'll be staring to the dawn
Promise I won't be late
If I could stare with any one
I would stare by your side

i know a lot of amazing mothers.

2009-05-08T23:41:00.003-07:00

after reading my post below, my friend lauren posted her own story of how she became a mother.. our stories are very similar, but ended quite differently.. i would love for my friends to read her story as well.. she is an amazing woman.. she is beautiful and kind, she is funny at the most unexpected moment.. she is always smiling and so completely full of love.. she has raised two of the happiest kids i know.. and she has made one of my best friends the happiest man alive..

i truly look up to her and hope one day i can be as wonderful a mother and wife as she is..

meet my friend lauren http://malcolmsmom.blogspot.com/

also.. my girl shani.. a gorgeous mommy of one of the most beautiful baby boys i've EVER seen.. i've known this girl for a very long time and recently have grown quite close to her.. i think she is an amazing mom.. she works very hard to take care of her family.. she is the cutest damn thing and is wise way beyond her years.. she keeps me in check and shows me a side of things i don't always see.. she needs to move back to florida so i can learn more from her and then take her on girl dates to repay her for all the things she's done for me..

meet my friend shani http://shanighf.blogspot.com/

there are a lot more moms in my life that i look up to, that i learn from and that i strive to be like everyday.. my own mom for starters, she is amazing and i love her more than anything.. vicki, my second mom. judah's mommy, haley genet, amiee fox, jenna's mom, sandee loew, shawna b and all the other mom's in my life.. happy mother's day.

our trials make us who we are

2009-05-06T19:49:00.002-07:00

with mother's day fast approaching, and a lot of feelings resurfacing, i thought i might tell a story about a rather important event in my life that has, in part, made me the woman i am.. it has been brought to my attention recently that people judge me based not only on the me that they meet, but also the me that is represented in words on my blog as well as other social networking sites.. with that in mind, i thought maybe i could get this off my chest, as well as give other people a glimpse into who i really am.. or at least, one story as to how i got to be this woman..

summer 1994. i was 14.. my best friend left me for the summer.. i started hanging out with some older kids, which unfortunately lead me into a rather upsetting situation which i will not get into.. needless to say it involves a 14 year old me, a 17 year old boy and a lot of tears.. i never mentioned it to anyone, and soon my best friend came back home.. school started.. i was a freshman.. things seemed to be going well.. i was beginning to make a lot of friends, i was socializing way more than i ever had.. I'd always been awkward and shy.. i was participating in school activities and having a great time.. 3 months into the school year i noticed some things weren't as they should be.. i called planned parenthood, who delivered a pregnancy test to me at lunch time in a brown paper bag.. during break between classes i took the test in the girls restroom.. afraid I'd be late for class, i hid it there.. a few minutes later i excused myself from class to check the progress of the test.. it was positive.. i was devastated.. after school, i had a friend take me to get another test.. also positive.. afraid of what my parents would say and how they were going to react.. i asked a girl friend of mine to come home with me to tell my parents..

my mom was stunned and my step dad was extremely angry.. in fact, he would not speak to me for quite some time after finding out.. they were very disappointed and didn't understand how this could have happened.. i was 14 and completely confused.. i told my mom the story of what had happened.. i was afraid of the boy and also his family (who attended my school although he did not, he lived in another town).. so while my mom pressed the issue asking if i had consented i just told her that i hadn't said no. truth be told, i wasn't prepared to press charges against anyone on top of being pregnant.. it was too much all at once..

my parents informed me of my "choices".. 1. i could have the baby and place it for adoption through an agency run by the church my parents attended.. 2. i could have the baby and relinquish my rights to her and allow my parents to raise her as their own. My parents didn't believe in abortion, and i am not sure that it would have been a good choice for me anyway.. i couldn't allow my parents to raise my daughter and live my life as her sister with no say in how they raised her.. my mom is amazing, i do not doubt she would have been a good mother.. i mean.. I'm pretty fucking awesome.. and she raised me.. :) my step dad however, was a mess of a man who i wouldn't want near my daughter..

i was not old enough to get welfare, nor old enough to get a job.. and i would have had noway to properly care for a child.. my parents were broke and we were barely making it with the four of us already.. the father of the baby was a train wreck.. and also denied having sex with me.. even though I'd never been with anyone up to that point.. so i had a very hard decision to make.. i only wanted the best for the baby growing inside me.. so i decided adoption was the way to go.. my parents found an agency and the process began..

i looked through profile after profile of families looking to adopt.. nothing seemed to fit.. everyone seemed nice.. but no one really struck me.. until i found the perfect couple.. i never doubted for a second that they'd be a great fit for my daughter.. i met with the couple several times.. they were amazing.. a sweet and loving couple that were very excited to have a baby in their life..

i went to school everyday.. i studied hard.. i came straight home from school everyday to cook for my brother and my mom and dad.. i was always very tired and all i wanted to do was eat baked potatoes.. i was a huge all during the winter months and sometime in January or February of 1995 i slipped on my way to school and was too fat to get up.. luckily my neighbor was the music teacher and so he found me and helped me up on his way to school haha.. i had lots of doctor appointments and lots of tests..

on may 10, 1995 i went into labor during my biology class.. it was a very uncomfortable and strange feeling.. i called my mom and she took me to the hospital.. the delivery itself was not without complication as i was very young and i have a small frame.. also my sensitivity to anesthesia did not help matters at all.. by 6pm I'd given birth to a beautiful little girl.. 8lbs 5 oz. 21inches long... the adopting couple named her..

the next day i was allowed to spend some time with her alone.. she was the most beautiful and precious thing I'd ever laid eyes on.. signing the paperwork was hard.. and watching the couple take her away from me wasn't exactly easy.. i just had to keep telling myself that what i was doing was what was best for her.. that regardless of my own feelings i needed to do it for her.. these people would be able to give her a life, and provide for her in a way that i couldn't.. i wanted her to have a mother and father.. something i had never had..

the first year was rough.. everyday i felt like part of me was missing.. i was very sad.. i was lonely.. something I'd had with me for 9 full months was no longer there.. and i felt empty.. my girlfriends couldn't sympathize.. and i wasn't about to talk to any boys about it.. i wanted absolutely zero to do with them.. my mom and dad didn't really want to talk to me about it either.. i started writing a lot and keeping to myself mostly.. i would say that year changed me a lot.. i closed down quite a bit..

my baby was born in may.. in December the couple had their own baby girl.. it was hard to accept the fact that they were pregnant when they adopted my daughter and hadn't told me.. they were worried that i would change my mind and not allow them to adopt my daughter.. something i would never have done..

the couple sent me a lot of pictures of the baby.. it was good to see her grow, to see her smile.. and to know that she was happy and healthy.. after a year.. the pictures, phone calls and letters all stopped.. and for the next 13 years there has been no communication.. before they cut ties, they told me that if i wanted to write to her or send her birthday cards, i should just keep them for her and one day if she chose to find me, i could give them to her then..

this Sunday that little girl will be 14.. the age i was when all of this began.. its a hard thing to think about.. and i still worry about her everyday.. i know that i made the right choice.. i know what i did was a good thing.. it was probably the single hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life.. I've never loved something or someone so much.. it was a completely selfless act.. i pushed all of my feelings aside and thought only of this baby and what she needed and what someone else could give her..

i wonder if she will ever look for me.. if she will ever understand how i came to the choice that i made.. if she hates me for having placed her into this other families care.. i wonder what she will think of me if she ever does choose to meet me.. i wonder if i will ever have a chance to be a mommy again.. and if i do get that chance, i wonder if I'll be a good one..

the combination of my daughters birthday always falling on or close to mother's day and always being away from my own mother makes mother's day usually a difficult day for my heart.. this year, I'm going to make the most of it.. I'm going to smile and know that i did what was best.. I'm going to keep my head held high and know that i am strong woman with a heart so full of love..

(i realize its a sad story, but its also full of happiness.. i made a loving couple happy, and they in turn raised a happy little girl.. and as long as she is happy and healthy.. that is what is important.)

oh hai!

2009-04-26T22:22:00.002-07:00

back from orlando <3

had a fucking amazing time! saw some good friends, met some rad kids, ate some amazing food!!!

stoked to be back in south florida. stopped by the tattoo shop on the way home... hung with alex and chad.. got the good word on a bike! tuesday i have a date with skott and gurty to put it together.. so stoked.. shani is super bummed :(

got some shit off my chest and hopefully made some things better..

now i'm home, in bed with a full belly :)

goodnight
xo
j

ps.. heres the first of many pictures from my weekend in orlando <3

at some point...

2009-04-21T17:43:00.002-07:00

i stopped caring.. one way friendships really aren't fair.. and why should i always be the one making all of the effort.. from now on i'm wasting no time, energy or heart on people who aren't willing to make the effort back.. why should i give all of myself to someone who is showing me only half or at times, less than half, of themselves..

i'm an amazing girl.. i'm strong and i've got a lot of heart.. i do everything in my life with a lot of passion and emotion.. i'm very caring and loving and can be motherly when it comes to certain people.. i like to take care of the people i love and will often put myself out to make sure that they are happy and healthy.. i make it a point to talk to my friends as much as i can and to always let them know that i am thinking about them and how much i love them.. i've lost too many friends that maybe didnt know how much i loved them.. i send my friends good morning/good night emails and texts and i'm always there when someone needs me.. i find that my friends are some of the most intriguing people, and i always want to learn more about them.. i try to travel as much as possible to see my friends since they are so spread out all over the country.. i write my friends letters, i mail out care packages, i make cds, i paint.. i do a lot for my friends so that they will know that they are on my mind and in my heart and that i've not forgotten them..

if thats the kind of friend you are looking for, then hey, i'm your girl! if it isn't, then do us both a favor and kindly bow out.. i'm grown and i realize i can't be friends with everyone.. i realize some people dislike me, and i couldn't care less.. NOT MY FRIEND, NOT MY PROBLEM. thats what i say..

xo.

ps. this is me, i'm cute.. especially when i just don't give a fuck. see?

lets hear it for love!

2009-04-15T00:29:00.003-07:00

um. where the fuck have i been? living under a rock? possibly. but thanks to my new friend A, i've fallen in love.. Smoking Popes : Destination Failure. yes please. listening to this cd is like seeing a handsome boy in a fred perry shirt (jk.. sort of).. haha hearts in my eyes..

i've had one of the best weekends i can remember.. saturday i went to dinner with chachi and jenny and then down to miami for a show i didn't actually watch.. but i did see a fresh cut skinbyrd get her nose broken by some long haired dude.. sunday we had a get together at skottys.. chachi and i baked.. there was delicious vegetarian and vegan options.. a 7000 dollar bike fell on a dog.. lots of hang out at the poorhouse.. lots of boys riding bikes and doing bike tricks.. lots of me wishing i had a bike that didn't have two flat tires..

monday i spent the day in sawgrass mall with miss chachita.. got siked on jenna coming home.. went to new found glory, bayside, shai hulud.. definitely felt too old to be there.. saw a cute boy in a fred perry shirt.. he was married and didn't wanna be my fake boyfriend.. (haha) met some really rad kids.. got to see miss jenny douglas who i love to pieces.. homeboy found 50$ and bought a round of shirley temples for the straightedge kids in the house haha..

today consisted of work.. lurking hard.. getting stuck at work late.. dinner with my boos.. goddamn video games at rob and chachis with jenna and pat.. late night aim conversations and ridiculous pictures of albi as john wayne and albi in paris... FUCKING AMAZING.

that is all..

goodnight.

ps. my new friend is quite wise.

i wonder...

2009-04-05T13:00:00.003-07:00

once the dynamics of a relationship/friendship change, is there any hope to ever having it return to the way you'd once known it? if something changes, and you are left with something that barely resembles what you were used to.. is it at all possible to go back to normal? do you just move past it and hope that you can build it back up to what you'd known and loved? or do you just give up and accept what has happened as fate and something that you cannot control or change?

things i deserve

2009-03-30T20:45:00.002-08:00

i deserve someone in my life that will come see me.. that will not only tell me that they think i'm amazing, but will also show me.. someone that will send me random messages to put a smile on my face.. someone who will appreciate me for who i am.. the good and the bad parts.. someone who not play games, but will be totally honest with me all of the time.. i deserve someone who will not give up on me at the first sign of stress.. someone i can bake for, watch movies with, cuddle with.. someone i can look cute for, that will feel proud to have me on their arm.. someone who will care about me and worry about me and want to know that i'm safe and sound..

i don't really feel that any of this is too much to ask.. and its all stuff that i truly deserve.. i'm a good girl, i have a lot of heart.. i'd do anything for the people i love and care about.. and i deserve someone who would treat me the same way...

i know what i am worth.

do your best and don't worry

2009-03-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

Compare the best of their days
With the worst of your days
You won't win
With your standards so high
And your spirits so low
At least remember ...
This is you on a bad day, you on a pale day
Just do your best and don't ...
Don't worry, oh
The way you hang yourself is oh, so unfair
See the best of how they look
Against the worst of how you are
And again, you won't win
With your standards so high
And your spirits so low
At least remember ...
This is you on a drab day, you in a drab dress
Just do your best and don't ...
Don't worry, oh
The way you hang yourself is oh, so unfair..

Amazing.

I'm on my way back to S. FLA. I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I also realized things about other people in my life..

Life changing.
Xo
J

3/23

2009-03-23T21:10:00.002-08:00

my head has been all filled up for weeks now.. more so this past week.. with the uncertainty of this job and my possible moving, to the up and down confusion of the other things in my life.. i've felt every day as though my head were going to explode..

things were looking up for me.. rad friends, fun times, sweet trips to hang with an amazing boy.. and how quickly things are changing.. people are moving (myself possibly included), hang outs are less and less..

i'm not sure at all where anything in my life stands at this moment.. i've played it all out a hundred times.. and it looks like nothing is headed in the direction i had hoped it would.. but what can i do? make attempts to fix it? try my best and hope my best is good enough?

until then.. i will just make regular trips to the ocean.. to sit with myself and try to let it all go.. i'll close out all my applications and hit restart.. maybe i'll run more efficiently next time..

i've been thinking..

2009-03-19T20:52:00.004-08:00

Things need to change.. its overdue.. i need to clean my life out.. rid myself of the negativity i've been carrying since i moved to florida 3 years ago.. i need to wash my soul, wring it out and hang it up to dry..

i've spent the past three years blaming myself for everything.. granted, i'm not perfect and i know this.. i'm far from it.. but i've been blaming myself for other people's problems as well as my own.. and that's a heavy burden to bear.. i'm too small to carry my own weight around with everyone else's..

so i'm starting here.. cleaning up my life.. i've already started by ridding myself of the people who bring me down.. the ones who wear on me.. the ones who do nothing but make me feel horrible about myself and who i am.. there really isn't room for people like that in my life.. the more space they take up, the less room for amazing people who can see the girl that i am and see what potential i have..

i know that i am a good person.. i know that i am worth something amazing.. i know that its within reach and all i have to do is let go of the bullshit so i can grab onto it with both hands.. once i've got it, i won't be letting go..

in thinking of all the things i need to get rid of, i've also started compiling a list of things i want and need in my life.. its a short list so far.. and it might not have all the things you want and need in your life.. but that's why its my list :)

i've been thinking a lot about what i want in my life.. right now, or as soon as humanly possible.. i'm going to need these things.. i don't think its too much to ask really.. i am a queen afterall.. and i do deserve to have things in my life that make me happy.. don't i?

a new room in a new city..
a room i can decorate to look like it belongs to me..
a room i can dance around in at any given hour, in boy shorts and a wife beater..
a new camera to take pictures of the new things in my life to show all my closest friends so they don't feel so far away from me..
a boy to bake for..
a polaroid camera to take pictures of fun and exciting things, and then use the photos to decorate said new room..
love letters..
more art.. made for me, or by me.. or both.
new sheets, pillows and comforter.,
a lot less junk..
more old black and white photos of my family.,
a trip to japan with someone who will appreciate it with me..
someone to go to the ben sherman store with me so i can stare at the cute girl that works there..
a trip to ikea. and not the ikea in south florida.
goodnight kisses

if you know where i might find any of these things.. let a girl know <3

sweet dreams.

kittens are bad.. (no matter how cute they are josh call)

2008-07-13T09:13:00.003-07:00

sooo.. yesterday i went out on a shopping spree (sike) to buy shoes and a top for work last night.. i had to work the door at the fetish party, and since i'm the dress code bitch, i always have to look extra nice.. so i found theeeee hottest shoes.. red stilettos.. with lil straps and buckles.. seriously... just amazing... work all night.. they hurt.. its fine. i knew they would.. you have to suffer to look good sometimes..

no big deal... i come home.. take the new shoes off.. get comfy for cuddly sleep... now normally i make sure to put the good shoes away.. i never leave my nikes out.. i only leave out work shoes because they are pretty disposable.. i usually never have a problem leaving them out... but for some reason.. i didnt think to put away the new shoes...

i guess i thought maybe my kitten wasn't so bad.. and wouldn't chew them up... i was wrong.. wake up this morning to find white scratches and gashes in the new shoes :( well in just one of them, but what good is one perfect shoe and one fucked up shoe going to do me...

i am very disappointed in this kitten.. :( i was sooooo excited about these shoes.. you have no idea..

and then.. to top it off.. i found one of my dunnys downstairs.. missing its extra piece... now mama is really angry :(

because i believe he is still with me..

2008-07-08T19:17:00.002-07:00

and because i believe he always will be.. <3

my dear jimmy.. i will love and miss you always.. until we are together again.. xo snowpea.

he breaks the spell still young
awakes from out this dream of life
and leaves us sleeping
storm racked blind consumed
by phantom pale displays of grief
he slips from out this shadow land of pain
where heads grow sorrow grey
and age destroys all hope
and spirits crushed
lament and hide away

but wordless watch the soft sky smile
and breathless hear the low wind sigh
"what death may join no more let life divide"

"dream yourself awake" he calls
"eternity awaits us all
open your eyes and be with me
be with me... "

he breaks the chains still young
dispels the hateful shades of treacherous time
and leaves us sleeping
tortured mute
devoured by ghostly shapes of life
he slips from ties of dust
to be the world we dream he lives
a part of everything we feel
the young and beautiful
and brave of heart

but wordless watch the soft sky smile
and breathless hear the low wind sigh
"what death may join no more let life divide"

"dream yourself awake" he calls
"eternity awaits us all
open your eyes and be with me
be with me... "
"dream yourself awake" he calls
"eternity awaits us all
open your eyes and be with me
forever... "

r.smith.

help! i am in ipod hell..

2008-07-07T18:47:00.004-07:00

so, after careful consideration, and lots nights at the club, i decided it was time to purchase a new ipod.. i am not a big fan of dropping lots of money at once.. especially on something so frivolous.. but if you have ridden in my car lately, you would know that my cd situation is getting way out of control.. no sane person should have that many cds in one car.. its just asking for trouble.. and it makes my car look very cluttered and messy.. and i really dont want that..

so two days ago, i made the purchase.. paying for half in cash.. half on my check card.. you see.. this is how i justified it.. since the cash was never accounted for in my bank account, it really never existed :) therefore, spending it is ok.. because now when i look at my statement it only shows 105$ withdrawal, not 270... i realize i still spent the same amount, but my lil head stresses way less when looking at it like this..

anyway...

so for the past two days i've done nothing but sit in front of my computer uploading music to my new ipod.. my back hurts.. my eyes are burning.. i left my house only once in the past 24 hours.. that was for the new alkaline trio and some zona fresca with my lovely nato.. i haven't even showered.. its disgusting..

i remember awhile ago, the boy i was seeing at the time used to upset me all the time because he would spend HOURS in front of the computer fucking with his ipod.. i remember now how mad it would make me.. i would want to spend time with him and all he would want to do would be update his ipod...

and now i understand.

ugh.

hi.

2008-07-07T17:39:00.004-07:00

Its been a long time since i've bothered writing anything at all.. aside from the occasional random blog or bulletin.. but never anything really substantial.. not saying that any of this will be any better.. but who knows.. sometimes i'm funny.. sometimes i have something kind of important to say.. sometimes i just need to clear my head.. sometimes i just need to post my thoughts and opinions on my day and the various adventures i've encountered throughout it.. i don't really know how many of my friends or strangers will actually bother reading it.. and truthfully that doesn't really matter.. i'm writing it mostly for me, if someone else is entertained by it, then i guess thats just an added bonus :)