Dear Matthew,

well its been awhile.. and i don't really have much to say right now.. i moved back east.. and i'm spending most of my time adjusting and trying to get myself situated..

with that said.. i stumbled upon some things i wrote in the past and i figured why not share them here...

this was written in march of 2009 .. its about the passing of my dear friend matthew..

Dear Matthew,

Current mood:numb

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with sadness.. In a way I just couldn't shake.. I drove around for hours.. up dand down the beach.. until i stopped the car, got out and faced the ocean.. i sat there for hours trying to understand where my life was going, the people in it, and where i had previously come from..

it always happens when i lose someone i love. somehow i know, before anyone has even told me.. it happened with jimmy.. it happened with you.. you both told me i was an angel to you.. and it looks like i failed both times..

i know i won't ever forget any of the times we spent together.. new years eve at slims.. you trying to make the bartended jealous.. sitting in your dark bedroom listening to the cure while staring at the ceiling.. the alarm clock i bought you with all of natures sounds so you could attempt to get some sort of sleep.. when you got that scooter i was convinced you were going to hurt yourself on.. all of our dance filled nights at gino russo's and everyone always telling you what a pretty girlfriend you had.. even though i wasn't your girlfriend and you wanted nothing to do with me in that way haha.. all of the nights at legends.. even the night that i yelled at you for drinking and smoking and doing all of the other things your heart wasn't strong enough to take.. i'm not sorry i yelled at you, you know i did it because i love and care about you.. the day you called me at work to tell me you were dying and you needed me to come over right away.. i never dropped anything in my life so quickly as to get there.. you were stubborn and didn't want to go to the hopital.. i made you and then spent the next month or so visiting you daily at that place.. sitting by your bedside with your parents.. seeing you in a condition my heart wasn't strong enough to take.. but i stuck it out.. the steak dinner you made for me when you got better.. the eiffel tower you made for me that you still have somewhere in NC.. all of the times you begged me to come home so that you could take care of me and my heart.. when really i should have been there helping you take care of yours..

i woke up to an email this morning telling me that you were gone.. it was so much like the day i woke up to hear that jimmy had left.. but an entirely different kind of sadness washed over me.. i know that essentially, this is whats best for you.. you won't have to have anymore surgeries, no more upgrades for new pacemakers, no more pneumonia..

i am so sorry that you've left us so early.. i know that you were always worried about getting close to anyone because you knew you'd leave the ones who loved you sooner than later.. i am happy to say that through so much work i was able to break that down and get close to you.. and i am eternally happy to have gotten that piece of you.. you meant more to me than i could have ever explained, and i can only hope that in the days that we had together i was able to show you a glimpse of that..

you will always have a piece of my heart..

always.
j

52 weeks?

i never update this anymore.. and i think its because i am very rarely at my computer.. i do so much of my internet stuff via my phone.. that i barely pick up this old laptop anymore.. poor thing is so old.. all its memory is filled up and i can pretty much only run one or two applications at a time.. one day i'll be doing well enough to purchase a new macbook and all will be right in the world again..

i was lurking around blogspot and stumbled upon the Dainty Squid blog.. adorable girl with such a rad idea.. i hope she doesn't mind if i borrow it for myself.. here's hoping i can at least commit to posting here once a week for the rest of the year.. shame i didn't start this at the first of the year. but better late than never i suppose..

from the dainty squid :

A 52 week photo project is just what it sounds like, one picture a week for the whole year. It would be perfect if you're not ready to commit to taking a photo everyday.

Some fun 52 week project ideas:

• weekly self portraits.

• a weekly photo of your pet.

• a weekly photo of your kid(s).

• a weekly instax or polaroid photo.

• a weekly peek into your craft space.

• a weekly peek into your hometown.

• a picture a week of what you're wearing.

• a weekly photo that sums up your last seven days.

• a weekly photo update of something growing (a plant, your hair, etc)

with that said.. i'm going to decide what to take a weekly photo of and by monday i should have something new up here for you guys..

any suggestions?

i've got some news for you...

SO! i got a phone call this week that left me so speechless that it took me at least an hour or so to fully realize what had been said to me and what i would be actually doing just a few days after..

I'M GOING TO THE VMAs!

when i first heard the words come out of my boss' mouth, all i could think was, "dang, i'm driving to san francisco that night.." and then as it started to sink in that i was being offered an opportunity of a LIFETIME, i realized I'M GOING TO THE F'N MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS!!! sorry SF, i gotta push my trip to back just a bit!

myself, along with some other very talented MAC artists will be doing makeup for the VMAs this sunday! it is going to be one hell of a long day and absolutely incredible.. i cannot wait to see who is there, and more importantly who i will be doing makeup for! it could be anyone!!!

i am terribly excited and feel so blessed that i was chosen alongside two of my very talented coworkers to represent MAC PRO South Coast in and event of this magnitude!

wish me luck!!

ever since i put your picture in a frame..

i love you baby and i always will.. ever since i put your picture in a frame..

late night tom waits party.. lazy lounging with the record player on.. attempting to start blogging again? but about what, who knows.. certainly not i..

we will see how long i can keep this up..

i am a perpetual starter, unfortunately i also have project ADD.. i am currently reading god knows how many books on just as many different subjects.. i cannot keep focused.. help?

is anyone even reading this?

...

There was a time when I thought you were a friend to me. I think those times I was probably just drunk. And if they offered a test about being a good friend. I'd put money down that you'd surely flunk.

GOOD BYE South Florida.. its been real.

In two weeks I will be heading off to the next chapter in my life.. I am leaving South Florida.. Its been four years.. Some of which were possibly the worst years of my life.. I learned a lot though.. I'll be moving on to a fresh new start, and new people to grow with..

In two weeks I will be leaving my job at the MAC store in Boca Raton.. I've worked with that crew for four straight years and it will be really hard to not be with them every day.. They have become more like family and friends to me than coworkers.. I will miss them dearly every single day.. It will be a challenge starting at my new location because I know no one will ever be able to replace them.. They already made me cry once when they told me they wished they didn't even have to post my position because no one will be able to take my place in that store.. Its good to feel loved.. They are some of the most creative and talented people I know.. I wish I could take some of them with me :(

I am moving to Long Beach, CA. It is a far different city than any I've ever lived in.. I am truly very excited to start a new life with new friends and a new job.. I will be working part time for a MAC PRO location.. Its going to be a lot to learn and a lot to get accustomed to.. But I've got faith in myself.. I am moving to a quiet little apartment in LB with my amazing boyfriend who has taught me so much and shown me that I deserve so much more from life..

I have already established friendships there so I know I won't be terribly lonely there while my boyfriend is away.. I am of course going to miss the few good friends I have down here.. But, this is just an excuse for them to come visit me in California.. and often! Who doesn't want to come to California?! Especially Long Beach.. its so beautiful!!

So the next few weeks I will be one very busy girl.. My boyfriend gets here on Tuesday and then we start the rest of our packing and getting ready for a super rad road trip across the great United States to my new home in LONG BEACH!!! I cannot wait!

xo

j

PS. I cannot begin to explain how much i miss raleigh and my friends there.. i promise to visit as soon as i can.. <3

hmm.. interesting.

what is more odd? the fact that someone in virginia lurks me hard.. or the fact that someone in jacksonville, florida is doing a google search for me. "baby j florida" to be exact.. it lead them straight to this page..

if there's something you wanna know, just ask. i've got nothing to hide.