Dear Matthew,

well its been awhile.. and i don't really have much to say right now.. i moved back east.. and i'm spending most of my time adjusting and trying to get myself situated..

with that said.. i stumbled upon some things i wrote in the past and i figured why not share them here...

this was written in march of 2009 .. its about the passing of my dear friend matthew..

Dear Matthew,

Current mood:numb

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with sadness.. In a way I just couldn't shake.. I drove around for hours.. up dand down the beach.. until i stopped the car, got out and faced the ocean.. i sat there for hours trying to understand where my life was going, the people in it, and where i had previously come from..

it always happens when i lose someone i love. somehow i know, before anyone has even told me.. it happened with jimmy.. it happened with you.. you both told me i was an angel to you.. and it looks like i failed both times..

i know i won't ever forget any of the times we spent together.. new years eve at slims.. you trying to make the bartended jealous.. sitting in your dark bedroom listening to the cure while staring at the ceiling.. the alarm clock i bought you with all of natures sounds so you could attempt to get some sort of sleep.. when you got that scooter i was convinced you were going to hurt yourself on.. all of our dance filled nights at gino russo's and everyone always telling you what a pretty girlfriend you had.. even though i wasn't your girlfriend and you wanted nothing to do with me in that way haha.. all of the nights at legends.. even the night that i yelled at you for drinking and smoking and doing all of the other things your heart wasn't strong enough to take.. i'm not sorry i yelled at you, you know i did it because i love and care about you.. the day you called me at work to tell me you were dying and you needed me to come over right away.. i never dropped anything in my life so quickly as to get there.. you were stubborn and didn't want to go to the hopital.. i made you and then spent the next month or so visiting you daily at that place.. sitting by your bedside with your parents.. seeing you in a condition my heart wasn't strong enough to take.. but i stuck it out.. the steak dinner you made for me when you got better.. the eiffel tower you made for me that you still have somewhere in NC.. all of the times you begged me to come home so that you could take care of me and my heart.. when really i should have been there helping you take care of yours..

i woke up to an email this morning telling me that you were gone.. it was so much like the day i woke up to hear that jimmy had left.. but an entirely different kind of sadness washed over me.. i know that essentially, this is whats best for you.. you won't have to have anymore surgeries, no more upgrades for new pacemakers, no more pneumonia..

i am so sorry that you've left us so early.. i know that you were always worried about getting close to anyone because you knew you'd leave the ones who loved you sooner than later.. i am happy to say that through so much work i was able to break that down and get close to you.. and i am eternally happy to have gotten that piece of you.. you meant more to me than i could have ever explained, and i can only hope that in the days that we had together i was able to show you a glimpse of that..

you will always have a piece of my heart..

always.
j